Bass it up!

Сон

2005-06-06T15:20:00.000-07:00

Одскокни од мојата мрежа на сонот
и топлината на ова утро понеси ја
во синилото на бескрајот.
Потоа пронајди ме
во заливот на третото небо
во виножитото на самотијата
во погледот на детските очи
и впрегни ме во белата кола на тишината.

Јосип Киригин

Difference between boys and girls when getting cash from an ATM

2005-06-06T15:19:00.000-07:00

Boys:

1- Drive to the bank, park, go to the Cash Dispenser
2- Insert card
3- Dial code and desired amount
4-Take the cash and the card

************************************************

Girls:

1-Drive to the bank
2-Check make-up in the mirror
3- Apply perfume
4- Manually check haircut
5- Park car - failure
6- Park car - failure
7- Park car - success
8- Search for the card in the handbag
9- Insert card, rejected by the machine
10- Throw phone card back in handbag
11- look for bank card
12- Insert card
13- Look for piece of paper where secret code is written in handbag
14- Enter code
15-Study instructions for 2 minutes
16- #Cancel#
17- Re-enter code

18- #Cancel#
19- Call husband to get correct code
20- Enter desired amount
21- #Error#
22- Enter bigger amount
23- #Error#
24- Enter maximum amount
25- Cross fingers
26- Take cash
27- Go back to the car
28- Check make-up in rear mirror
29- Look for keys in handbag
30- Start car
31- Drive 50 meters
32- STOP
33- Drive back to bank machine
34- Go out of the car
35- Take card back from machine
36- Go back to the car
37- Throw card on passenger seat
38- Check make-up in rear mirror
39- Manually check haircut
40- Go into roundabout - wrong way
41- BREAK
42- Go into roundabout - right way
43- Drive 5 kilometers
44- Remove hand break

How to write a paper

2005-06-06T14:59:00.000-07:00

1.Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty
of freshly sharpened pencils.

2.Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

3.Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you 
 concentrate.

4.  Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with your friend
from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both
walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your
friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those
irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.

5.When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in
a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

6.Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

7.You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade.
You'd better write that letter now and get it our of the way so you can concentrate.

8.Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

9.Listen to your favourite cd and that's it, I mean it, as soon as it's over
you are going to start that paper.

10.Listen to your other favourite CD.

11.Rearrange all of your cds into alphabetical order.

12.Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he's started writing yet.
Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university,
the world at large.

13.Sit in a straight, comfortale chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty
of freshly sharpened pencils.

14.Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue;
savories special flavor.

15.Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something
truly worthwhile on TV.  NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than
12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the 
Yukon, is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler's Tour
b) any movie starring Don Ameche.

16.Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.

17.Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss
the finer points of the plot.

18.Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

19.Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who
everyone is.

20.Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

21.Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated
strangers lurking in the hall.

22.Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty
of freshly sharpened pencils.

23.Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it.

24.Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

25.Lie face down on the floor and moan.

26.Leap up and write the paper.

The College Food Chain

2005-06-06T14:57:00.000-07:00

THE DEAN

Leaps tall buildings in a single bound

Is more powerful than a locomotive

Is faster than a speeding bullet

Walks on water

Gives policy to God

THE DEPARTMENT HEAD

Leaps short buildings in a single bound

Is more powerful than a switch engine

Is just as fast as a speeding bullet

Talks with God

PROFESSOR

Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds

Is almost as powerful as a switch engine

Is faster than a speeding BB

Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool

Talks with God if a special request is honored

ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR

Barely clears a quonset hut

Loses tug of war with a locomotive

Can fire a speeding bullet

Swims well

Is occassionally addressed by God

ASSISTANT PROFESSOR

Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings

Is run over by locomotives

Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury

Treads water

Talks to animals

INSTRUCTOR

Climbs walls continually

Rides the rails

Plays Russian Roulette

Walks on thin ice

Prays a lot

GRADUATE STUDENT

Runs into buildings

Recognizes locomotives two out of three times

Is not issued ammunition

Can stay afloat with a life jacket

Talks to walls

UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT

Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings

Says "Look at the choo-choo"

Wets himself with a water pistol

Plays in mud puddles

Mumbles to himself

DEPARTMENT SECRETARY

Lifts buildings and walks under them

Kicks locomotives off the tracks

Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them

Freezes water with a single glance

She IS God.

Yeah, right

2005-06-06T14:55:00.000-07:00

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

The house is not the same since you left

2005-06-06T06:13:00.000-07:00

The house is not the same since you left.

The cooker is angry – it blames me,

The TV tries desperately to stay busy,

But occasionally I catch it staring out of the window.

The washing up’s feeling sorry for itself again.

It just sits there saying”:

“What is the point, what is the point?”

The curtains count the days,

Nothing in the house will talk to me,

I think your armchair is dead.

The kettle tried to comfort me at first,

But you know what its attention span is like.

I’ve not told the plants yet,

They still think you are on holiday.

The bathroom misses you.

I hardly see it these days

It still can’t believe you did not take it with you.

The bedroom won’t even look at me.

Since you left it keeps its eyes closed.

All it wants to do is sleep, remembering better times.

Trying to lose itself in dreams.

It seems like it’s taken the easy way out

But at night I hear the pillows

Weeping into the sheets.

Henry Normal

Miliway's, Restaurant at the end of the Universe

2005-06-06T06:11:00.000-07:00

‘Ресторанот на крајот на вселената е еден од најневообичаените походи во целата историја на угостителството. Изграден е врз рушевините на една… Ќе биде изграден врз рушевините на една… То ест ќе биде изграден до сегашниот момент, а всушност бил…

Еден од најголемите проблеми во врска со патувањето низ времето не е тој што случајно може да станете своја мајка или татко. Нема таков проблем настанат како резултат на околности под кои вие сте станале сопствена мајка или татко со кој толерантно и прилагодливо семејство не може да излезе накрај. Не постои нитѕ проблемот на менување на текот на историјата – текот на историјата не може да се смени затоа што се во него се вклопува како во совршен мозаик. Сите битни промени се случиле пре нештата кои би требало самите да ги изменат и на крај се фино се вклопува.

Најголемиот проблем е всушност граматички, а главното стручно дело од таа област, кое треба да се консултира е делото на д-р Ден Стритменшер, со наслов: Прирачник за времепловци за 1001 временски облик на глаголот. Ова дело ќе ви објасни како да опишете нешто што требало да ви се случи во минатото пред моментот кога вие тоа сте го избегнале со временски скок за два денови во иднината за да спречите да ви се случи тоа. Случајот ќе биде опишан на различни начини во зависност од тоа дали зборувате од вашето природно време, од времето во подалечната иднина, или од минатото откако се случил тој настан, а сето ова понатаму се комплицира со можноста да го водите разговорот во момент кога патувате од едно време во друго со намерата да станете сопстевена мајка или татко.

Поголемиот дел од читателите стигнува до глаголскиот облик наречен модифициран субинвертиран плагално конјуктивен иден интенционал пред моментот на откажување и всушност во понатамошниот изданија на оваа книга, сите страници по овој глаголски облик се оставени празни за да се заштеди на печатарски трошоци.

Автостоперскиот водич низ галаксијата глатко ја заобиколува оваа заврзлама на академски апстракции и застанува само да забележи дека поимот иден перфект е напуштен откако е забележано дека го нема.

Да заклучиме.

Ресторанот на крајот на вселената е еден од најневообичаените походи во целата историја на угостителството. Изграден е врз рушевините на една планета која на крајот е уништена и која е (ќесте бидувала бидеќе) затворена во џиновски временски меур и пратена во иднината се до оној момент во кој вселената стигнува до својот крај.

Ова, според многумина, е невозможно.

Во ресторанот, гостите заземаат (ќесте до зазема) свои места на масите и јадат (ќесте до јаде) додека целото постоење експлодира околу нив.

А ова е, според многумина, истотака невозможно.

Можете да дојдете (можетесте дојдовтесту до-кога) во било кој термин, без претходна најава (после до предпосле најава) затоа што местата можете да ги резервирате ретроактивно кога ќе се вратите во своето време (можете да до резервирува јестента до предпосле послечимно враќаодејќи ретродома)

Ова е, според многумина кои сега би се побуниле, крајно невозможно.

Во ресторанот можете да се сретнете со воодушевувачка група претставници на целокупната цивилизација на времето и просторот и да ручате заедно со нив (можетесу сретнестесу за ручесу до-после).

Ова е, како што може трпеливо да се објасни, истотака невозможно.

Инаку, местово може да го посетите колку пати сакате (можесу до-посет ре-одпосетувувачкијќи – и така натаму – за останатите глаголски корекции консултирајте ја книгата на д-р Стритменшер). При тоа можете да бидете сосема сигурно дека никогаш нема да се сретнете самите себе, заради непријатноста која тоа, вообичаено ја причинува.

А ова, дури и останатото да е вистина, што не е, е бесприговорно невозможно, велат сомничавите.

Се што треба да направите е да вложите една бара на банковна сметка во сопствената ера, а кога ќе стигнете до крајот на времето, каматите ќе ви овозможат да ја платите без проблем огромната цена на вашата вечера.

Ова е, според многумина, не само потполно невозможно, туку и целосно блесаво, и затоа експертите за маркетинг од бастаблонскиот ѕвезден систем го измислија следниот слоган: Ако од утринава сте направиле шест невозможни работи, зошто да не ги крунисате со појадок во Миливејс, Ресторанот на крајот на вселената?

Менито на Миливејс го цитира Автостоперскиот водич низ галаксијата, со одобрување од издавачите:

Историјата на секоја поголема галактичка цивилизација, тежи кон тоа помине низ три посебни и препознатвливи фази, а тие се: преживување, истражување и издугнување на духот, поинаку познати како фазите како, зошто и каде На пример, за првата фраза карактеристично е прашањето: Како ќе јадеме?, за втората фаза: Зошто јадеме?, а за третата фаза Каде ќе одиме на ручек?

Менито ја следи оваа мисла и наговестува дека Милвејс, Ресторанот на крајот на вселената би можел да биде добар и мудар одговор на тоа прашање.‘

"A hitchiker's guide to the galaxy" - Douglas Adams, (Completely unexpected productions , 1979)

Why, oh why?

2005-06-06T04:45:00.000-07:00

o If a criminal turns himself in shouldn't he get the reward money?
o Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
o Why do birds bob their heads when they walk?
o If people say if you eat dessert before dinner it will ruin your appetite won’t eating dinner before dessert ruin your appetite for dessert?
o Why does "lake" come first (Lake Michigan) and "river" come second (Mississippi River)?
o Do glow-in-the-dark objects stop glowing when somebody turns the lights on?
o Why are you IN a movie, but your ON TV?
o Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
o Can you fart and burp at the same time?
o How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
o If no one buys a ticket to a movie, does the movie still play?
o Why do they call it "morning sickness" in the middle of the afternoon?
o If your named Will and you are in the army do you get worried when people say fire at will?
o Why is Bra singular and Panties plural?
o What are those little things on the end of your shoelaces called?
o Do fish ever get thirsty?
o Why can't we sneeze with our eyes open?
o Why does breaking a mirror mean seven years of bad luck when seven is a lucky number??
o Why do the numbers on the phone go one way, but the numbers on the calculator go the other way?
o If you built a time machine with all new parts, when you went back would the parts you use disappear because they didn't exist then?
o If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
o What do mermaids eat?
o If your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan?
o why are rubber duckies yellow when most real ducks aren't?
o Do fish sleep?
o Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?
o Why did Superman wear his briefs on the outside of his tights?
o Can dogs have dog days?
o What do you say when someone says you're in denial, but you're not?
o If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn't you see through everything and actually see nothing?
o Why do old men have hair in their ears?
o What does OK actually mean?
o Why do we feel blue? And what color does a smurf feel when they are down?
o Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?
o If an anarchist group attained political power, would they by principle have to dissolve their own government?
o If you tell someone they are being judgmental aren't you being judgmental yourself?
o Why do British people never sound British when they sing?
o Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?
o If someone can't see, they're blind and if someone cant hear, they're deaf, so what do you call people who can't smell?
o Why would superman want to leap over the tallest building in a single bound if he can fly?
o Since we see little birdies when we just get knocked out, what do little birdies see when they just get knocked out??
o Don't you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their "practice" ?
o Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
o Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year?
o Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
o Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?
o Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
o Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out"?
o If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?
o What's the opposite of opposite?
o If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do?
o Why is the blackboard green?
o Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
o Where does the white go when the snow melts?
o Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
o If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
o Why is it called lipstick when it always comes off?
o Aren't you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions and you don't know if they are rhetorical questions or not?
o What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?
o Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter?
o Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there's wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
o If you fed a bee nothing but oranges, would it start making marmalade?
o Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open?
o What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
o What would Cheese say if they got their picture taken?
o If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
o Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
o Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
o How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
o How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
o If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
o How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on?
o If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?
o If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
o If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
o If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
o If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation?
o If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn't they call you first?
o If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network, should you plan a surprise birthday party for them?
o If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
o If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you're done?
o If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
o Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
o Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
o Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
o There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
o What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
o What color would a smurf turn if you choked it?
o What do sheep count when they can't sleep?
o What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
o What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
o What happened to the first 6 ups?
o What is the speed of dark?
o What's another word for synonym?
o When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
o When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
o Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
o Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
o Why are we afraid of falling? Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop?
o Why aren't there bulletproof pants?
o Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?
o Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
o You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

How to install Computer Software

2005-06-06T04:28:00.000-07:00

Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software. It should look something like this:

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS

2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER

628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM

719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE

3546 MB RAM

432323 MB ROM

05948737 MB RPM

ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM

2 TURTLE DOVES

NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and trouble-shooting the software. Throw it away.

Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5" floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says:

LICENSING AGREEMENT:

By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light,...finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.

Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."

If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

Turn the computer on, you idiot.

Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen:

The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you?

Choose one, and be honest:

| YES | | SURE |

After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."

When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:

CONGRATULATIONS

the installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software.

If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately swear, like this: *!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&

At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.

Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.

Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline...

2005-06-06T04:26:00.000-07:00

·If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

·If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

·If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

·If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

·If you are delusional, press 7 and your call
will be transferred to the mother ship.

·If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice
will tell you which number to press. Remember, you are never alone!

·If you are a manic-depressive it doesn't matter which number you
press, no one will answer.

·If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

·If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key
until a representative comes on the line.

·If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone
number, date of  birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

·If you have posttraumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y
press 0 0 0.

·If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before
the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

·If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you
have short-term memory loss, press 9.

·If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
All operators are too busy to talk to you.

Welcome

2005-06-02T01:03:00.000-07:00

It is alive